Confound these ponies!
by I have a jar of dirt
Summary: Meet Charles. He's a complete dickweed. He's your local "an hero." And he's been transported into a strange world, filled with talking ponies to fall prey to his stupidity. Celestia help us all. HiE, M for offensive language: you have been warned
1. We come in fucking peace

Disclaimer:** My Little Pony and all it's affiliated characters belong solely to Hasbro. I only own what is mine.**

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><p><em><span>Confound these ponies!<span>_

_Chapter 1: We come in fucking peace_

_"You're not in Kansas anymore." -Colonel Miles Quarich_

**Unknown Location**

It is generally agreed by the majority of lifeforms that pain is one of the worse feelings imaginable. By textbook definition, pain is an unpleasant feeling often caused by intense or damaging stimuli, such as stubbing a toe, burning a finger, pouring alcohol onto a wound, taking an arrow in the knee or having a particularly large wooden stick forcefully inserted into your rectum.

In short, pain sucks.

Luckily for Charles Hammond, the 24-year old human male had yet to experience the two latter (yet); not that it helped his case any further for that matter.

With extraordinary willpower, Charles slowly rose onto his legs despite the atrocious pain he was feeling in every fibre of his body. He managed to stay upright for approximately 4.73214 seconds (rounded up) before falling again. He instinctively supported himself on his hands against the hard floor, sending another surge of pain through his body. Charles felt as if he was a nun that had challenged a russian to a drinking contest, the nauseating feeling of being punch drunk spinning his head around. He brought a hand to his face, feeling up a part of his front that was suffering from a dully throbbing ache comparable to a cymbal monkey on crack smashing your head.

_Right, _he thought. _Collect your thoughts. Party at Stanley's. You got drunk. VERY drunk. _He struggled to remember the details for a short while before the memories smacked him in the face again. _Something about tinfoil hats and conspiracies. Uh... Shit, I hope I don't get humiliated at work tomorrow. Then what? Tripping on the carpet... Smacking my head... Uh... That's right! I smacked my head against the bed frame!_

Satisfied for now, the man tried to stand up again, this time successfully keeping himself upright without falling. His dizziness started to disappear, his vision cleared...

Only to discover he wasn't near any bed at the moment. Hell, there wasn't anything in the room he was present in that reminded him of anything familiar. The area was almost pitch black, stone adorning the walls, ceiling and floor, with a dim light emerging from the top of a staircase at one corner. Shaking his head, Charles waited for his eyes to adapt to the darkness before taking a look around him slowly. Last he remembered, Stanley never mentioned he had a cellar...

But then again Stanley never mentioned why he would sell small plastic bags with white stuff in it to the neighborhood children. Or where he went out at night and why he always brought a bat with him "just in case".

Now obviously you, the reader, must have already figured out what was going on with Stanley by now, and I bet you wonder what kind of dumb fuck Charles was for not noticing the obvious flaws with his esteemed colleague. The funny thing is that Charles was actually an intelligent human being; instead, he instead suffered from a rather severe case of naiveté. In short, he was pretty gullible around his friends. That trait was mostly put in parallel with his girlfriend, who quite frankly, if we put it politely, didn't cerebrate an excrement for the poor man, often unlawfully fornicating with other male companions (among others Stanley) behind the unfortunate Mr Hammond's posterior.

What a whore.

But let us not get sidetracked here.

Charles, figuring he didn't really want to waste the rest of his lifetime rotting away in a damp, cold cellar, began climbing up the stairs, his head still hurting from the close encounter of the stupid kind with the bed, and from general confusion. It was pretty obvious he wasn't in prison or that he was kidnapped, but he also knew that he wasn't left at Stanley's or in his own home. A uncomfortable void formed in his gut. What if he had been robbed? Silently cursing for not thinking about that alternative earlier, he stopped in mid-stride and proceeded to desperately search through his pockets, but let out a sigh of relief when he noticed nothing was missing.

Tentatively, he continued his walk up the stone staircase until he finally reached an opening. The air was freaking freezing, so he pulled his coat tighter around him. He froze in mid-stride again, not bothering then to further consider the fucking pun I made. LAUGH, YOU FUCKERS.

_Wait, why the hell would I be freezing my genitalia off INSIDE a building?_

Charles legendarily slow environmental awareness finally decided to accept the change of scenery, kicking itself for not doing it's job properly and forcing the man to obviously have a look around.

He thought his eyeballs would pop out with a wet splat when he discovered he was in a dark, gloomy castle in the most sordid state of disrepair, with several giant statues of equines seemingly glaring at the poor human for trespassing in the area. As to reinforce the fact, a full moon shone brightly through a hole in the roof, eerily casting it's light onto the already sinister décor.

Charles stood there for a long time, his stunned mind not really comprehending what he was seeing: of all the places he had imagined to wake up in, an ancient, temple-like ruin was not one of them. Somehow, he decided that putting the blame one Stanley was the most appropriate thought right now.

Unbeknownst to everyone, this seemingly insignificant human being, an atom in the sea of stars, a literal fly's shit stain on the face of the omniscient Multiverse, had accomplished something not even the now extinct hyper-advanced race of sentient Mecha-Cthulhu could; safe travel through the very fabric of time and space, literally flipping the bird towards trillions of years of combined scientific prowess; making gods cry out in surprise and chaos deamons cackle maniacally; pissing on the uncountable graves of the victims of conflicts in the name of Faith. And yet, despite knowing that somewhere in the deepest part of his mind he had accomplished something of great importance, this insignificant meat-bag remained as humble as ever, finally daring to speak a word about his titanic accomplishments.

"...The fuck is this shit?"

And somewhere in the Great Beyond, the ghost of Carl Sagan started sobbing uncontrollably.

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><p><strong>Ponyville<strong>

A few miles away from the turgid piece of decrepit ass shit forest I shall not mention by name because it would ruin the elementz öf surpeihz, a certain pale, light grayish mulberry unicorn piqued her head up from her book in interest.

Twilight Sparkle had studied the equivalent of several libraries on the subject of magic, and knew how to recognize most common and many uncommon traces of the stuff I the environment. So when a gigantic wave of never before felt magic burst out of the CENSORED Forest like a gigantic, almost palpable bubble, she couldn't help but feel both intrigued and slightly worried. Such power reminded her way too much of Nightmare Moon or Discord, but no matter how hard she probed into the source, Twilight never managed to find any malicious intent behind it.

The sound of knocking reached her ears, and she quickly put back her volume into it's corresponding shelf before greeting whoever was intending on visiting. The sight of Rarity greeted her at the door.

"Twilight my dear," the white unicorn began, looking a bit anxious. "Good to see you again."

"Hello Rarity," Twilight responded. "You look a bit fazed." She let her friend step in to her home. The fashionista thanked her curtly, then went down directly to the matters at hand.

"I presume you felt that strange, powerful surge coming from the Everfree Forest, right?" (A/N: FUCK!)

"Yes indeed," her friend responded motioning for her to sit down at the couch. Twilight couldn't help but become worried at Rarity's look. "You seem worried. Anything you want to talk about?" The white unicorn lowered her head in shame.

"Oh Twilight. I do not need to remind you of my terrible behavior when Discord tricked me. I felt like a fool afterwards." Twilight gave her a weak smile.

"I understand. You want some sort of guarantee that it won't happen again. If you want, I could write to Celestia and explain the situation. I'm sure she'll understand."

Rarity's mood shot up to the skies and she flashed Twilight a brilliant smile. "Thank you, my dear. You truly are a good friend."

The purple unicorn called her assistant. "Spike! Could you come down here please?"

There was a cry of surprise from upstairs, then a baby dragon went tumbling down the steps short thereafter. The two mares giggled at Spike's antics before he lifted himself from the floor, still slightly dizzy.

"Ow Twilight, you scared me! I was taking such a nice nap..."

"Poor Spikey-wikey," Rarity added, batting her eyelashes. The little dragon perked up directly at her voice, his stomach fluttering. "You're not hurt, are you?"

"N-no! I'm fine! Eh... Did you need something?"

Twilight rolled her eyes at her adoptive little brother's antics. "Could you please send a letter to princess Celestia? It's quite urgent."

True to his word, Spike produced a parchment and quill from a nearby drawer. Twilight inhaled and began her letter.

"Dear princess Celestia..."

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><p><strong>Author's notes:<strong>

**To my old readers: Wazzup biotches! Long time no see eh? I've finally decided myself to write something, but I guess you didn't really expect it to be a MLP fic. Some of you will probably wonder what on Earth I've been smoking, but hey, I actually enjoyed the show. Well, overall I wanted to try new stuff (among others, a ruder sense of humor. Cock jokes never get old, right?). As you can probably see, I've tried to improve my writing a notch, I've gone through more extensive correcting and I've got a more effective work planning going up! Let's see if I can keep up the routine this time, shall we?**

**P.S: If you feel trolled, I am eternally sorry.**

**To new readers: Hello to you and welcome to my first MLP fanfic! Most of the reviewers on my older stories know that I was forced to put my first stories on hiatus because of a complete imagination dry-up, so here I am after several months again writing this fic! I've only so far wrote videogame fics for Halo and Mass Effect, so it will be interesting to see where this will go!**

**Hope you enjoy!**


	2. I hate woods

_Chapter 2: I hate woods_

"_On second thought, let's not go to Camelot. It is a silly place." -Monty Python_

**Everfree Forest**

Deep inside, Charles knew that trudging through a thick, dark forest with scarce lightning was an idiotic idea. He had decided to leave the ruins in a haste, hoping to find some sort of way out of the inhospitable woods and locate more comforting signs of civilization in the immediate area. The air was cold and damp, sending an involuntary chill through his spine. While he knew it was just a childish imagination, he swore he could feel the trees bending down to try and block his path.

Charles' mind was a literal mess. He had no idea where he was, he had no idea where he was heading, and he had even less than no idea how the hell he even managed to make his way here. Hadn't he been so preoccupied with being deep in his thoughts, he would have noticed the root sticking out of the ground.

"Shit!"

He fell face first into a pool of mud, splattering his clothes with the sticky substance, and smacked his nose hard, resulting in a trickle of blood pouring out of it. Charles muttered another "shit" before picking himself up and continuing on, now freezing even more because of his wet clothes.

_Fuck this shit, I'll be glad to get out of here._

Of course, Charles didn't have the broadest vocabulary, seeing as he had repeated "shit" three times now.

Shit.

After several more agonizing minutes of stumbling around on the uneven forest road, crossing a crooked bridge, stumbling around some more, freezing his nipples off and cursing, his progress was halted as he arrived at the bank of a river. The road seemed to continue on by the other side, so he knew he had to cross somehow.

Charles approached the water. The currents seemed violent, and he had no immediate interest right now in drowning, so he looked around for a safer way to cross. True enough, he found several rocks that were spaced appropriately enough to serve as stepping stones. Walking towards them, he noticed they looked slippery; he gulped nervously, knowing that a single mistake would sent him plummeting into the dark waters, with Life probably awarding him a permanent Game Over screen. He knew he couldn't turn back either, because there seemed to be no other way around. He sighed.

"Well then. Let's do this."

Carefully, he assessed the distance to the first stone and took a very ungraceful leap into the air, like some drunk ballerina in concrete shoes. He landed right onto the stone, panting out in relief. He steadied himself and started leaping again, managing to make good progress across the river.

One the second-to-last stone however, everything went down the shitter. He tried to regain his balance, but slipped and fell into the streams. The currents dragged him down, making him unable to reach the surface no matter how hard he struggled. He felt his lungs would explode, his vision already starting to blacken.

_Jesus fuck, I'm going to die here!_

Suddenly, he felt something grab him from behind a lift him up to the surface, finally let him gulp in large amounts of precious air. He sighed in relief as he was carefully put down onto the riverbank by his mysterious savior. Charles coughed violently, vomiting copious amounts of water with each fit, before calming down a bit and turning around towards his guardian angel.

Or more like his guardian... thingy, really.

Charles' eyes were almost popping out of their sockets when he discovered he had been saved by a river serpent. A tall, purple, goddamn real river serpent. With a mustache and beard.

"Oh my, such a strange creature! You were lucky I was nearby, or you could have ended up in an simply _awful_ state!"

Scratch that. A tall, purple, goddamn real river serpent with a mustache and a beard that actually talked in a flamboyant manner. Charles simply stood there, his mouth hanging limp like some invalid retard while not even managing to utter a single word.

"Uh..."

"Oh, how rude of me," the serpent interrupted him. "Allow me to introduce myself." It bowed in a very dramatic manner. "Steven Magnet, a pleasure to meet you."

"Uh..."

"My my, you seem to still be a bit shocked," the thing continued on. "Probably from nearly drowning. Well, I'll be on my way then. Au revoir, my dear!" Steven the serpent then proceeded to dive underwater again, leaving a stoked Charles on the riverbank. He shook his head.

_Right_, he thought. _There's no way a goddamn river serpent talked, much less saved me. I must have gotten desperate and swam ashore. That thing was probably a hallucination caused by my brain lacking oxygen._

He hadn't even finished berating himself mentally before Steven rose from the depths again.

"Oh my, you seem to have dropped this, by the way. Have a nice day!" The serpent threw Charles' wallet into his hands before diving in again.

...

"...What the flying fuck just happened?"

LOL CHARLES HAS TOURETTES-

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><p><strong>Somewhere at the entrance of the Everfree forest<strong>

The aptly named Mane 6 had gathered in front of the inhospitable woods once again, everyone shifting nervously at the prospect of entering it again.

"So Twi', ya mind remindin' us again what we're doin' here again?" Applejack asked.

Twilight Sparkle raised her letter she had gotten from princess Celestia before reading out loud.

"My faithful student,

I have indeed felt the magical ripple spreading from the Everfree forest even from Canterlot. I fully understand your concern; such magic force has not been experienced since Nightmare Moon's presence a thousand years ago. I want you to bring the bearers of the Elements of Harmony with you and investigate this presence at the old castle. If it is indeed dangerous and you have no means to stop it, contact me and Luna as soon as possible.

Signed,

Princess Celestia."

The unicorn packed her scroll in the backpack again, turning towards the other mares.

But... What's happening? "Shifting nervously" is evolving!

...

Congratulations! "Shifting nervously" has evolved into "Anxious fear!"

Fluttershy uttered a squeak and hid behind the others. "N-Nightmare Moon?"

Rainbow Dash sighed at her friend's antics. "C'mon. We've beat her once, we can beat her again!" She huffed, flying up and showing off some ninja poses. Twilight sighed.

"I know you're all scared-" She was interrupted by Rainbow Dash snorting, resulting in a glare from Rarity. "But we've got to do this girls. Celestia is counting on us!" Applejack smiled.

"Don't worry sugarcube, we're right behind ya!"

After receiving appraisal from the rest of the gang, Twilight cracked a grin. "Then let's do this everypony!"

And with newfound self-esteem, they entered the forest.

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><p><strong>Everfree forest<strong>

"This forest SUCKS!"

Charles was pissed. He had walked on this damned trail for god knows how long. He was wet, muddy, dirty, cold and had several scratch marks from being entangled in the thick branches. He had at least been moderately pleased to see that his phone had miraculously survived the plunge into the river somehow.

_Boromir was right, _he mused, _one does not simply break a Nokia..._

His encounter with the strange river serpent was still haunting his mind. What was it's name again? Steven? The craziest part was that it had behaved like some kind of fabulous drag queen too. Did every river serpent behave like that? Charles inwardly chuckled at the thought of an entire land being populated by flamboyant snakes.

Speaking of which, where the hell was he?

He looked around and noticed he had left the trail a long time ago. Nothing but rotting trees were surrounding him now.

_Oh great, I'm lost._

Feeling a bit desperate, he started looking around his surroundings, trying to find something that seemed familiar but ultimately failing. Cursing, he started walking off to what he though was the north, hoping to eventually stumble onto something.

How ironic that he stumbled onto a hidden rock and tumbled down a cliff.

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><p><strong>Elsewhere...<strong>

The ponies had walked in silence for quite a while now through the oppressive woods, fearing that a manticore or a cockatrice would ambush them. Even Dash was a bit intimidated by the thick air of the forest. Suddenly she stopped near a tall cliff, the rest halting along with her.

"Dash, what's wrong?"

The rainbow-maned mare remained quiet for a few seconds before shrugging. "Thought I heard something."

The rest traded a few looks before Twilight frowned. "I'm hearing it too. Sound like someone... Screaming?"

"...aaaaAAAAAAAAH!"

The ponies turned around in surprise as a creature fell down the cliffs, hitting a branch that was jutting out of the rocks.

"Fuck!"

The figure fell again, smashing against a couple of rocks.

"Shit!"

Another rock.

"Jesus!"

Yet another branch.

"Fuck!"

Finally, the creature landed in a few bushes away from them, hiding it from the ponies' view. A few moans could be heard from the thick foliage. Everyone nervously took a few steps back. Finally, Twilight summoned up enough courage to speak.

"A-Are you okay?" Whatever had landed in the bushes gave another pained grunt before answering in a weak voice.

"I think I got a stick up my ass..."

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><p><strong>'Sup! Look at me! I managed to post a chapter before the end of the month! This must be some new kind of record. Anyway, remember to review guys! Gotta keep that motivation flowing, and I get that from you!<strong>

**On another note, do you think this has any chance of making it to Equestria Daily? Because I doubt so. No seriously, I do.**

**Now to brainstorm for the next chapter and start thinking up some new cock jokes. See ya later!**


	3. Le hospital n' shit

Chapter_ 3: Le hospital n' shit_

"_Another successful procedure!" -Medic, Team Fortress 2_

**Everfree forest**

For the second time today, Charles was in extreme pain; falling of a cliff usually led to that. Still lying in the bushes, he felt like every bone in his body was broken in three places... Twice. All he knew is that he sure as hell couldn't move. This was bad. Very bad.

Suddenly, he heard a hesitating young female voice call out to him. "A-are you okay?"

_Yes, rescue!_

Grunting in pain, he responded. "I think I got a stick up my ass..."

Charles could hear at least two other voices now, one snorting at his bad luck, the other one letting out a overdramatized, indignant cry. Tentatively, he reached a hand around to feel up his bum and was relieved to feel a lack of branches up his rectum.

Can you imagine it? A guy walking around with Hometree up his ass? That would be fucking hilarious.

"It's ok, I didn't have one. Still feel like shit, though," he added weakly. "I think I've broken something..." His potential rescuer called to him again.

"It's alright, we'll come and help you. Just stay put!"

_Not like I have anywhere else to go_, Charles muttered bitterly.

The foliage rustled as his potential rescuer trudged through to reach him. He sighed in relief. Finally he could get out of this goddamn cystic anal acid forest and take a rest...

He wasn't therefore fully prepared to be faced with a purple pony with a horn in front of him, looking at him with gigantic, surprised eyes. He stuttered. "Uh... B- what..."

It was a unicorn. A real, honest-to-god unicorn. That settled the deal for Charles. He knew he shouldn't had eaten that purple potato from the flying tree back there before the whole river incident.

The pony's original confused expression suddenly turned into a wide smile, it's eyes bulging in excitement. "Wow! I've never seen a creature like you before! And you can talk? Oh and you have clothes too! What's your name? What species do you belong to? Do you have any kind of civilization..."

She had barely finished talking before she noticed Charles had already passed out.

...

AND THEN SHE RAEP-

Nah, let's not turn this into a clopfic, shall we not?

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><p>The ponies now surrounded the strange creature that laid sprawled onto the ground. While Twilight and Pinkie Pie gazed at it with interest, Rainbow Dash and Applejack mostly stared at the thing with suspicion while Fluttershy and Rarity seemed to stay away from it, Fluttershy for her usual timidness and Rarity because that creature was absolutely <em>filthy<em>. And foulmouthed, I might add.

A goddamn ironic statement, considering this shitfest of a fic has more fucking swears than the Bible has the word "God" in it.

Rainbow Dash slowly approached and poked the creature with her hoof. "What the hay is that thing?"

"It looks hurt," Fluttershy added quietly. Twilight stroked her chin.

"Obviously it as to be an intelligent creature," said Twilight. Oh how ironic that Charles is to be considered intelligent, don't you think? "It was able to speak, and look," she pulled at the fabric surrounding the human. "Clothes."

Pinkie Pie gasped. "A new thingamajig? We should throw a party!"

"Ah'm not sure, Pinkie," Applejack frowned. "No guarantee what that thing might do. 'Could be sumthin' unpleasant."

The group traded several looks. "We can't just leave it here," Twilight protested.

"Girls..."

"Then what are we gonna do with it?" Rainbow Dash retorted. "if it's a bad guy, we shouldn't bring him along."

"Girls..."

"And look at it!" Rarity complained. "I refuse to let that... That _thing_ near my boutique. It is clothed _horribly_!"

"Girls!"

"What?" Fluttershy squealed before regaining her composture.

"We can't just abandon that poor animal in the forest alone! It's hurt and it needs help!"

Twilight mused over the fact. "We could bring it to the Ponyville hospital and then interrogate him..." Something clicked in her brain. "Maybe it knows something about the magic wave we felt earlier!"

After some debate, it was settled that they would try to carry it to the nurse Redheart. With the collective efforts of Rainbow Dash, Applejack and Fluttershy, they left the forest.

Little did they know that the very being they were escorting out would bring change to Equestria in ways they could not imagine...

…

...As the first human to ever have landed in a fictional world. Seriously, did you really expect any UBAR-DARK N MYSTERIOUZZ PAST shit from this loser? Except in his drunken furies, of course.

Hemoglobin.

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><p><strong>Ponyville hospital (obviously, duh)<strong>

Charles' head was murdering him for the second time today. His vision was slowly becoming clear again, his breath steadying. He could hear voices, but they seemed so distant.

_Ugh, did someone drop a pink elephant on me?_

Slowly, his hearing and vision were back to normal. He could hear people talking more clearly now. He was lying down, staring at a white ceiling. Was he at the hospital? Things must have gotten quite out of hand at the party, then...

"...I think it's waking up."

_IT's waking up? I can't look that much like shit..._

Wondering if his good old buddeh Stanley hadn't accidentally slipped in some LSD into his drink, he craned his head in the direction of the voices. He blinked.

Ponies. Colorful ponies were staring at him.

He blinked again.

One of them, dressed in a nurse's garb, walked up to him and cleared it's throat. "Can you understand us?"

_I can't still be tripping. It's impossible._

"Uh, yeah...?"

"Now, I suggest you do not..."

Charles straightened himself up in a sitting position.

**CRACK**

"...move..."

The room fell deathly silent. You could have heard a pin drop. Or a nuke, for that matter.

Charles started was shaking lightly, his face contorted into a very pained smile. He struggled to open his mouth, ever so slight spasmszszs shaking him. His overall demented glare made the ponies back away nervously.

"O... Ouch..."

One of the ponies, presumably the one that had rescued him earlier, asked him nervously. "Are you okay?"

Charles' eye twitched. "Yes," he responded all too calmly, his voice slightly pitched. "I am fine."

"Maybe you should just..."

He laid down again.

**CRACK**

"...Lay down again."

Silence.

His hand reached out and smashed the table beside him, making everyone jump in fear. He inhaled sharply, the ponies cowering in fear...

"Ow."

The assembled group exhaled in relief.

…

"_FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK__!"_

The table Charles had smashed earlier fell together in a pile. The very foundations of the building started shaking. Several recipients filled with medicine and chemicals fell on the floor and smashed into pieces, sending the liquids flowing across the floor. Part of the roof collapsed even, the debris almost hitting an unfortunate patient.

Charles' face was contorted in extreme pain and anger. His bloodshot eyeballs threatened to leave their sockets. His face looked like an inflated tomato, both in color and shape. His teeth seemed even more feral with his mouth open wide, a deluge of spit flying out. Steam escaped his ears while snot poured out of his nostrils. Th ponies backed into a corner, fear and despair etched onto their faces.

After what seemed like an eternity of rage induced-terror, the human finally fainted.

_Bloop*_

_Achievement Unlocked: Scare the shit out of every living being nearby._

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><p><strong>AN: First contact has finally been established. Not a very successful one, I might add.**

**On another note, this story is now on FIMfiction! I'll be uploading every chapter I've written there soon, so head there and give a shout-out for this story if you want.**

**So here you go, and see you soon! Herp-de-derp!**

***Author disappears into a trollface abyss**


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